


Floaty

by Mr-MistyEyed (tallxboys)



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Long, Obsessive Behavior, References to Depression, Sensory Overload, Sort Of, Triggers, Vomiting, but like, could be, i kind of had it in mind, if u cant tell, if u rlly want it to be, joshler - Freeform, kind of, so uh, thats what it is, tyler is f l o a t y, y'all im so proud of this, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-28 22:34:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21144308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tallxboys/pseuds/Mr-MistyEyed
Summary: The moment, at the end, when they stood next to each other. Tyler felt alive. He looked out, small venue as it may, it made him feel like he was in a sold-out arena. He still tasted disgusting saliva and stomach acid in his mouth, but moments like this made him forget about things like that.





	Floaty

**Author's Note:**

> this is long, buckle in buckaroos

If Tyler focused hard enough, he feels as though he’d start floating off the seat in the back of the van. Everything was so slow, and so, so loud. 

He currently had the side of his temple resting against the cool glass of the window on his right. The chill seeped into him, anchoring him enough to not be lost. Or, float away. 

Tyler finally felt his body heat begin to go down to a simmer, resting the slight panic in his chest. 

Until everybody returned from their bathroom break at some random rest spot Tyler physically couldn’t get out and walk around. 

The first door that opened, which was Mark entering the driver’s seat, broke the seal to the quiet, numb utopia Tyler rested in for mere moments. His head swarm with heat and anger that he somehow held back in his drowsy state.

The second door to open was Josh, scooting in next to Tyler. Though, he instantly recognized something was wrong. Not that Tyler was hiding it well, pale face against the cold window, clenched eyes and all. 

“Something wrong, Ty?” Not the most constructive or helpful question, but it was a start. Tyler appreciated Josh’s concern but everyone’s breath and general energy of being alive were melting his brain cells down. He was thankful for Josh’s quiet tone when he asked, though. 

“M’fine, tired. Just a little floaty and hot.” It was obvious that’s what was wrong, Tyler’s fists were clenched, jawline popping out sharper than normal as he ground his teeth together. 

As Josh eyed beads of sweat dripping down the side of Tyler’s temple not being comfortably cooled by a smudged window, he let it go. Bothering Tyler while he was exhausted was not the best past time. 

With that, everyone being settled and inside the van, they took off. They were heading to their first out of town venue for a show tomorrow night and everyone’s excitement was on an all-time uproar. 

Even in the back of Tyler’s clouded over and dizzy brain fog, he was still over the moon excited for this show. Every word he sang and piano key he pressed, it brought him into his soft covering jackets he’d wear in his cold musty basement as he yelled up at his parents to be quiet when he recorded. 

He was proud, not only of himself but everyone that has had a part in doing this with him. Especially Josh. Tyler couldn’t even begin to start with how thankful he is of him, all the late-night conversations they’d have as Josh talked Tyler out of a breakdown and vice versa were forever cherished. 

Tyler must have dozed off because before he knew it, they were pulling into a near-empty parking lot. The bumps in the thin alleyway leading to the lot must have woken him up. 

He heard loud and clear snickers as he awoke with a painful groan. The side of his head being abused by the window was unpleasant, but easy to wash away when he realized they’ve arrived. 

Tyler and Josh exchanged swats to each others arms, and wherever else their hands could lay target as they stared at the backdoor entry of the venue. 

“Ty, that’s it.” Josh’s voice was only audible to Tyler, everyone else getting out and heading for their equipment to unload. 

“I know.” They were both in amazement. 

To most people, they just saw some bar. A place for local musicians and wannabe poets to come for art, and expression. The sharing of something personal. A creation. Drinks and greasy food were the other pros to a place like so, but Tyler and Josh saw something more. 

A beginning of sorts. While they have been playing in underground venues and various corner stores, it wasn’t quite the same amount of pride. They loved their hometown, but it was almost the equivalent of playing in front of your family. Awkward breathy voice and shaky hands. 

“Our first out of town show.” Tyler got goosebumps as he whispered the words. Not even to Josh as he has already jumped out and began to explore the inside. His own words were almost muffled to his own ears. He snickered as he joked about himself being deaf before the dizziness hit him like a bus when he tried to hop out of the van, the same energy coursing through him like Josh. 

Tyler’s knees felt like they gave out, going numb to any idea of support they could have given him. 

He was skilled to hit his fall right, though, only plummeting down on his bottom and not his face or wrist. 

“Shit, Tyler. You alright?” One of their crew members rushed to ask. Tyler was too lost in his own dizzy brain and pain shooting through his body he couldn’t recognize who the voice belonged to. 

He tried a weak “I’m fine.” but his own voice didn’t even sound like his own. He just laid in the fetal position, cradling his own head in the cold slush on the ground he barely realized was there. 

Tyler must have passed out because he didn’t wake up on the ground, and definitely didn’t remember moving onto a couch in some random room that he assumed was in the venue. 

He tried at opening his eyes, but the harsh lights which were ironically dim were too much for his blurry, tired eyesight. 

Tyler felt the heat of someone under him. His head was for sure in someone’s lap, but he didn’t have the strength or energy to look or ask who it was. He merely accepted the comfort of someone holding him.

He heard hushed voices from a different room, possibly a hallway that leads to the room he resided in, straining his ears to listen. Their whispered voices being the only noise sounding through the room besides way distant pounding and crashing of equipment being set down and moved. 

“Yeah, we already booked them a hotel. Something cheap. It was almost booked out, it being the cheapest and closest one in town. Humblebrag for them, though. The receptionist gushed about a popular band that everyone’s coming to see tomorrow night. Everyone’s staying there.” 

Tyler felt a smile pull at his chapped lips, it slowly fell but the emotion was prideful and true. 

Tyler heard the person underneath him hum out a noise towards what seemed to be something on the owner’s phone playing quietly.

“J?” That’s all he could physically get out. The back of his dry throat killed him. 

“Yeah, Ty?” It was Josh. Tyler suddenly felt relief knowing he wasn’t laying on some stranger. Not that he would have moved. Not that he even could have moved. But it was a comforting notice. 

“Just checking.” Josh hummed once again, but slightly louder, letting Tyler knew he heard and understood him. 

Tyler felt comfortable enough to doze back off to sleep, having fallen asleep on Josh multiple times. With much more body coverage and way fewer clothes. 

He woke up to a ringing in his ears and the dizziness still residing. But he felt okay enough to open his eyes and possibly attempt at sitting up. He felt cold though, soon enough realizing Josh has gotten up and left. 

Tyler was a little disappointed, but not mad. Josh was just as excited as him, and he was actually feeling healthy enough to get up and explore. Not pass out and cradle his head like a baby, much like Tyler.   
He gave sitting up a try, feeling his back pop all the way down. He cringed but the aftermath felt good. He popped his body in a few more places, adjusting to sitting up and being human since the past, however many hours he’s been suffering and out cold for. 

Once Tyler decided he was ready to stand and wasn’t gonna fall over on his behind, he tried. 

It going successfully, Tyler let out a breath. Standing still for a few moments and letting his body release its tension.

He was ecstatic he could finally explore. Though, he wondered where Josh was.

In fact, he wondered where everyone was. The whole venue was a ghost town much like the actual town it’s been built in. 

Tyler pushed it aside and explored the place. Everything was so surreal. He could barely catch his breath whenever he realized what was happening. 

He got the jumpscare of a lifetime, though. 

Tyler almost actually fell over and completely hit his head. But when he finally realized he wasn’t about to be murdered, it got slightly more lighthearted. 

“Mark, you asshole.” The only thing Tyler could hear was his heartbeat booming throughout his eardrums and Mark’s guffawing. 

“I seriously didn’t mean that, but--your face man, you should have seen it.” Tyler placed a hand on his chest, over his heart, sort of overplaying his reaction. 

“I could have had a heart attack dude. Have you been paying attention to the events I’ve gone through in the past, however many hours?” Tyler just rolled his eyes as Marks’s laughter taunted him. 

When it finally died down, Mark being left to sniffles and small chuckles, Tyler finally asked, “Speaking of how many hours. Where is everybody? How long was I out?” 

Mark checked his watch real quick, not really needing to due to it being pitch black outside when they arrived in the afternoon. 

“You’ve been out since roughly 3:30. You hit the hay hard, man. Josh was complaining that his legs went numb. Everyone’s also at the hotel. They sent me as your knight in shining armor to come save their damsel in distress.” Tyler rolled his eyes again but exhaling a short breath of what was supposed to be a laugh. 

“I don’t need to be saved.” Mark shrugged. 

“I could have left your ass here over-night.” Tyler sighed, following Mark when he decided to turn on his heels and head for the exit he came through to scare Tyler half to death. 

On their short drive to the hotel, Tyler’s panic returned, the innocent lightheaded floaty feeling from before coming back for vengeance. 

Tyler’s voice was shaky and barely above audible when he spoke. 

“What if the receptionist was lying. What if no one shows up. Or, what if they do, and decide we’re not good enough for them?” Mark sighed, knowing this wasn’t an episode he should deal with. This was something for Josh and both of them knew it. 

“What if Josh left me there on the couch because he realized how much of a burden I am.” Tyler didn’t speak that like a question, and it dipped a pit in both of their stomachs. 

Mark sighed again, “I was standing right there when Josh got up, we were talking about dinner and I could audibly hear his stomach growling. He almost didn’t come with everyone because he was scared to death of what could happen to you. Even all through dinner he checked up with me to see if I got any texts. His eyes were on the doors to the restaurant damn near the whole time, waiting for you. He would have sat there and starved, waiting for you to wake up if he needed to, Tyler.” That shut him up. 

For the rest of the car ride, Tyler only focused on car tail lights and the blurred streetlights through the condensation that painted the windows in silence. The only sound that filled their ears was the muffled city life and engine. 

They finally arrived and Tyler was shaking with energy. He did sleep for way more hours than he’d like to count. It was a weird combination, though. The newfound shaking energy he had and the dazy, floaty feeling that never left. 

He felt like a crackhead. Or some really mentally ill person as he sat on the floor, back against the foot of the bed he has to share with Josh, as he eats various junk foods and some random meal that sounded good he ordered off the hotel room service menu. 

Josh was next to him though, eyes drooping and voice distant as he has not had as many hours to sleep like Tyler. He was still next to him. 

“And, at one point, I was flying through some forest. I’ve never felt so free. Which is sad as it was a dream. But, people were singing some song that sounds so distant and indistinguishable now. Maybe I’ll just need to stare off into space for a little while and find it again. Like some weird mental soul search, but it’s music.”   
Josh offered quiet hums to every bizarre thing Tyler spoke about. All of his words were beginning to sound like Tongues or gibberish. Josh was definitely losing brain cells but he wouldn’t trade the world for this moment. 

Josh didn’t realize how long of a pause the silence was until Tyler was finally speaking to him in a hushed tone. 

“J? You’re tired, you don’t need to stay up for me. I just need to work off these weird hours and this energy I have. I’ll just lay on the floor with my phone until I eventually crash.” Josh’s eyes snapped open as he shook his head, but that being the most he could muster as his eyes crashed closed again. 

He barely registered himself being carried and covered under scratchy hotel blankets. But he was thankful for the gesture, somewhere in the back of his somewhat conscious mind. 

“Night, Joshie. Tomorrow’s our special day.” Josh immediately fell into dream world after that. Not long after he felt his lips subconsciously slip into a small closed-mouth smile.

In the morning, Josh was awoken by Tyler pulling open the curtains, blinding him with the sun making him feel like a vampire. 

“Rise and shine, Josh! Today’s our day, man.” Josh was deeply concerned on how Tyler still had, or had once again, bursting energy. But, at least Josh wasn’t dead exhausted anymore. He’d definitely need a red bull or three to get his gears moving completely. 

After Josh rushed to get dressed, no help to Tyler’s impatient yelling and whining, stomping his feet near the door like a child, they headed to brunch. Josh definitely got more sleep than he opted for. 

Josh found it hard to ingest anything in the morning, it especially didn’t help when his friend was stuffing his face and talking about all the different desserts the restaurant had. 

“Tyler, I’ve never seen you eat like this, slow down, man.” Tyler, being as stubborn as he is, ignored Josh’s suggestions and kept munching on the fresh pie he got a sample of. 

The rest of the day went okay, they did some typical tourist-like exploring. But it was quite odd, though, when Tyler made them stop at every possible food place in the area. Everyone disapproved of his mindless binging, not wanting him to get sick. He had a small frame and never really ate like this before. Everyone was worried for the oversized man child.

It was finally close to people lining up when Tyler’s gluttonous decisions caught up to him. 

Nausea overtook him, he could barely sit still without feeling his insides churn disgustingly.   
“We told you it was a bad idea.” Josh snickered, poking Tyler’s slightly bloated stomach. 

While it being lighthearted, Tyler’s body didn’t accept the same emotion. Every slight jostle was just nearing his breaking point. He didn’t feel good. 

Tyler’s head swam, making him almost wave around with it. But he somehow stayed grounded, though still feeling lost at sea.

It was when the crew began to pester them that it was nearing show time when Tyler finally broke. It was all tears and pain.

Josh was walking through the halls, trying to get to their dressing room to change his shirt, as he has clumsily spilt water all down the front, undeniably freezing him.

He heard gagging and groaning and his heart dropped as he instantly recognized who the noises belonged to. 

Josh burst into the bathroom and fell to his friend’s side, rubbing his back and running his fingers through his hair comfortingly. A loving anchor that Tyler at the time couldn't focus on, but appreciated nonetheless. 

Between heaves and spit, Tyler’s croaky voice spoke. “I’m so scared Josh, I began scared, and I’m ending up scared. I originally started binging because I was so floaty and panicky yesterday and passed out for several hours. But today I couldn’t stop, it took my mind off of everything and the slight twinges of pain when I felt too full distracted me.” He heaved again, more fresh tears spilling from his eyes. His words came out a mile a minute and Josh was struggling to keep up. He had no idea and his heart broke for the smaller man upchucking into the toilet in the middle of a cramped stall, kneeling on cold and hard tile.

Josh has never seen him like this, and he’s seen him pretty bad. Staring up at the ceiling and describing depression in every way under the sun, questioning out loud if God believes in him. 

But this? He was a hysterical mess, and Josh’s heart clenched at every heave he heard and tear he saw. 

“My music, holds so much, Josh. I’ve said so much, thought so much, and felt so much. I’m absolutely terrified. Last night, when I woke up alone, I thought that was it. I thought I finally woke up from the fever dream that was yesterday, and reality finally accepted how alone I am. Last night when Mark picked me up, I felt like an idiot. I’m the lead singer and writer for this band. I was stumbling around and not accepting my fear like an idiot. It got me here.” 

Tyler’s body was finally done removing all of its bodily fluids, except the tears that were streaming down his red, blotchy face. 

Josh was at a loss of words. He wishes Tyler came to him. Especially if it was hurting him this bad. 

“Tyler, I’m just as scared as you, if not more scared. You have somewhat more of a track record playing and performing for people. I don’t really have anything. I’m surprised I’m not the one face down in the toilet.” They both stopped to smile and snort lightly. Josh clenched in a different way at seeing Tyler’s smile. Tyler was still the light of his world, even with sick dried to the corners of his mouth, and sweat sticking to his hairline. 

“Just know you’re not alone. You’ll never be alone in this. I want you to focus on every beat that drums through your body tonight, literally. Because that’s me, Tyler. That’s me, right there next to you. Performing my heart out right along with yours. And, when we’re done, I’m gonna stand right next to you, and you’re gonna say our outro to a room full of people who feel just as alone as us. Okay?” Tyler only had the strength to nod, his heart too busy drumming one of Josh’s solos against his chest. 

Tonight went exactly like that. Tyler screamed, rapped, sang, and thrashed his body along to every beat, slamming his hands on the piano until they felt raw and bled a little. 

Every second on that stage made him realize how right Josh was. He was right there. Right next to him. Sweat intoxicatingly pouring down his body as he shook his head rapidly when he was really into a song, headbanging, and lipsyncing lyrics every now and then. 

The moment, at the end, when they stood next to each other. Tyler felt alive. He looked out, small venue as it may, it made him feel like he was in a sold-out arena. He still tasted disgusting saliva and stomach acid in his mouth, but moments like this made him forget about things like that. 

Tyler and Josh walked off stage and it’s like everything went mute. Everything fell silent as Tyler let his eyes comfortably fall shut, feeling only his heartbeat and every breath wracking through his chest. 

“We did it, Josh.” Josh pulled him in for a hug, the question of if they shed tears or not remains bashfully unanswered. 

“We did, Ty.” 

Throughout the rest of the night, Tyler still felt floaty. But it was a good kind of floaty. The kind of floaty where it intensified when he looked at Josh and remembered them sharing ‘We did it’s’.

Tyler could deal with that.

**Author's Note:**

> I WROTE THIS AT 1 AM SO THIS IS PROBABLY GONNA BE A MESS WHEN I RE READ IT IN THE MORNING BUT NO TURNING BACK NOW


End file.
